6 days

The summer is finally coming to an end and I'm leaving next Wednesday. I went to the zoo for the last time. I realized that the next time I'm back, some of the animals may be gone. I kept this in mind as I snuggled with Boomer, the Wallaby- one of my favourites, who's already exceeded the average lifespan for his species.
I've also been trying to squeeze in time to see friends. But as my departure time draws nearer, I can only do so much. I'm also trying to get into a healthy sleeping patttern.
I'm both ridiculously excited and ridiculously nervous. It's a big step, a big transition a big decision. A controversial one too. I got in a fight with my mom this morning. I was being rude to her because she was nagging me about making a phone call (which i'd already made). She started railing on about how my dad wasn't particularly pushed about me going to UBC, mostly because of the cost. As usual, it was my mom who had the final say in the matter, even though my dad makes most of the income. She wanted me to enjoy college and go somewhere I wanted. I told them both that I'd work full time once I graduated in order to help pay it off. And my grandparents had set aside enough money to get me through the first two years. Knowing how my dad feels about me going there has probably been the root of a lot of my nervousness. I feel like I might not be able to enjoy school and that it may not be worth it in the end i f I'm left to feel this way. My dad and I have always been quite close. I feel like he may have felt pressured into letting me go, in order to make me happy. He was never much of a disciplinarian and has always been easy to persuade. If he'd told me I couldn't go I defenitely would've been dissapointed. But I would've moved on and understood.
On a happier note, I met a girl who's actually worked at the zoo with me (but in a different department) who's also going to UBC. She seems really nice, and defenitely seems to be going through some simialar emotions too.

Whore

Earlier today I was talking to a good friend. He told me I've changed, and was dissapointed in me and the way I've been behaving this summer. He told me to stop acting like a whore. All of his talk seemed to have struck a nerve inside me. ~

This summer, I started going to a gay 18+ club, where my best friend works. I thought maybe I'd meet someone.. But I never really liked to dance. However, I realized that with my shirt off, my poor dancing abilities would be compensated by my fit body and boy-next-door persona. This seemed to work. I got a lot of looks, a lot of touching and had little problem getting guys to dance with me. I suppose the attention I got made me feel good in some ways. But I also felt that deep down I wasn't communicating to people about the kind of person I really am. It didn't help my love life. I met a couple of guys, but I didn't have good chemistry with any of them, and thought they were probably just looking for a one-nighter. And I realized that by acting the way I did and dressing (or undressing rather), I was dictating the way in which guys would think of me and/or treat me.
I used to think that the right place for me to meet a guy would be in a library or a museum. It would start with a conversation about something we have a common interest in, and lead to other things. And I like to take things slowly. Dry humping guys with my shirt off isn't really doing that. In the past, I prided myself in being unique and free-spirited in my ways. I'd do go with my instincts and didn't care what others thought of me. At the club, I was a self-obsessed attention-whore.


Luckily, I'll have a new opprotunity to start over again this year at UBC. And maybe I'll finally meet someone right. Someone to cuddle with and say sweet things to.

Across the pond

I recently got back from Ireland and the UK. It was an action packed trip- visiting relatives, going out clubbing and shopping. I met a couple of guys i'm keeping in touch with. Being over there, I felt a strong sense of belonging. i dunno. I think at some point in the not to distant future, I'm gonna try living there. London perhaps.