UBC: day 1

Today was one of the best days I've had that I can remember. It was the UBC International Student Orientation. I was immersed in a crowd of thousands of new students from all over. I talked to students form Hong Kong, Japan, Laos, Malaysia, Indonesia, Norway, Czech Republic, the UK, Germany, Poland, Italy, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Egypt, Ethiopia, Kenya, Mali, Mauritius, Australia, new Zealand as well as many other Americans. I met a girl from Berkley in my orientatation group. And randomly started talking to an Aberdeenian girl and a Swazi Guy who i've taken quite a liking to. And this afternoon i had dinner with some exchange students. Two Germans, one Japanese and one Chinese. It was wonderful.

   It truly is a global university. And I realize I've only met the new international students. I've met very few Canadian freshmen and upper year students. Also, I have yet to stop by the UBC Pride Center and meet some queers. The social opportunities here seem endless. Everyone's really friendly and I feel like they are here for the same reasons I am. Very much looking forward to the new two days of orientation.

6 days

The summer is finally coming to an end and I'm leaving next Wednesday. I went to the zoo for the last time. I realized that the next time I'm back, some of the animals may be gone. I kept this in mind as I snuggled with Boomer, the Wallaby- one of my favourites, who's already exceeded the average lifespan for his species.
I've also been trying to squeeze in time to see friends. But as my departure time draws nearer, I can only do so much. I'm also trying to get into a healthy sleeping patttern.
I'm both ridiculously excited and ridiculously nervous. It's a big step, a big transition a big decision. A controversial one too. I got in a fight with my mom this morning. I was being rude to her because she was nagging me about making a phone call (which i'd already made). She started railing on about how my dad wasn't particularly pushed about me going to UBC, mostly because of the cost. As usual, it was my mom who had the final say in the matter, even though my dad makes most of the income. She wanted me to enjoy college and go somewhere I wanted. I told them both that I'd work full time once I graduated in order to help pay it off. And my grandparents had set aside enough money to get me through the first two years. Knowing how my dad feels about me going there has probably been the root of a lot of my nervousness. I feel like I might not be able to enjoy school and that it may not be worth it in the end i f I'm left to feel this way. My dad and I have always been quite close. I feel like he may have felt pressured into letting me go, in order to make me happy. He was never much of a disciplinarian and has always been easy to persuade. If he'd told me I couldn't go I defenitely would've been dissapointed. But I would've moved on and understood.
On a happier note, I met a girl who's actually worked at the zoo with me (but in a different department) who's also going to UBC. She seems really nice, and defenitely seems to be going through some simialar emotions too.

Whore

Earlier today I was talking to a good friend. He told me I've changed, and was dissapointed in me and the way I've been behaving this summer. He told me to stop acting like a whore. All of his talk seemed to have struck a nerve inside me. ~

This summer, I started going to a gay 18+ club, where my best friend works. I thought maybe I'd meet someone.. But I never really liked to dance. However, I realized that with my shirt off, my poor dancing abilities would be compensated by my fit body and boy-next-door persona. This seemed to work. I got a lot of looks, a lot of touching and had little problem getting guys to dance with me. I suppose the attention I got made me feel good in some ways. But I also felt that deep down I wasn't communicating to people about the kind of person I really am. It didn't help my love life. I met a couple of guys, but I didn't have good chemistry with any of them, and thought they were probably just looking for a one-nighter. And I realized that by acting the way I did and dressing (or undressing rather), I was dictating the way in which guys would think of me and/or treat me.
I used to think that the right place for me to meet a guy would be in a library or a museum. It would start with a conversation about something we have a common interest in, and lead to other things. And I like to take things slowly. Dry humping guys with my shirt off isn't really doing that. In the past, I prided myself in being unique and free-spirited in my ways. I'd do go with my instincts and didn't care what others thought of me. At the club, I was a self-obsessed attention-whore.


Luckily, I'll have a new opprotunity to start over again this year at UBC. And maybe I'll finally meet someone right. Someone to cuddle with and say sweet things to.

Across the pond

I recently got back from Ireland and the UK. It was an action packed trip- visiting relatives, going out clubbing and shopping. I met a couple of guys i'm keeping in touch with. Being over there, I felt a strong sense of belonging. i dunno. I think at some point in the not to distant future, I'm gonna try living there. London perhaps. 

He is able, who thinks he is able

I finally realized what's been ailing me lately. My anxiety. I've always been a bit anxious and I often put large amounts of pressure of myself for various reasons. But with no gym membership or any regular physical activity, I've had no way to channel my teenage anxt and energy. My old routine was a 2 1/2 hour visit to the gym. I'd swim 80 laps, run 3 miles, (one on the treadmill and two on the elipticals) and then a thorough lower and upper body workout with all the cool machines. Without this in my life I've been feeling unmotivated and lethargic. My voracious sexual appetite hasn't been quite what it was either.
By not containing my anxiety, I've allowed it dominate many aspects of my life. I feel very self concious and nervous often.
Time to go gym shopping!

GAY

Pride weekend wasn't all i expected it to be. I thought it would be me running around dancing with all my friends getting phone numbers from hot guys. Wasn't that easy Saturday went nicely. I got up early to see my friend from santa rosa. We laid in the sun and then went walking around the castro. Later on that day i hung out with two of my very good friends from high school and a girl i knew in middle school. It was fun, catching up. Later on that day I met another friend and some of his friends for the pink saturday party. I got a lot of looks, as I expected I would. I suppose the main reason I went, was to meet someone. No such luck. All the guys who tried to flirt with me, were either older, slutty looking or seemed like self-indulging superficial divas.
Around midnight I was left on my own as my friend left. FOr the remaining time I walked around, watched two guys strip and prepair for sex in front of their apartment window in view of thousands...Then I ran into my friends friend who was drunk and had aching feet. I ended walking in her high heels for half a mile, (something I'm rather proud of) and bumping into another friend on the way.
Sunday was rough. I kept calling a couple of my friends who weren't picking up. I missed most of the parade. I asically wandered around for the rest of the day hoping to bump into people, which i did. Sunday night was confusion. I got inn a fight with my mom and was reduced to tears. Then I went out to go to a party. But upon deciding that it wasn't my cup o tea, I headed back into the castro to have tea with some friends from santa rosa

Year one

I visited my old high school about a month ago for the first time in exactly a year. I'd been meaning to do this since the fall. I even promised a few friends I'd return by winter break. In some ways I feel my reluctance to go back was a testament of my feelings about the place and the four years I'd spent there. It seems so recent that I first walked into the quad fresh out of middle school eager to continue my musical education, inspired by a truly awesome middle school band teacher. Now those four years seem kind of far off. The class after me has already graduated. Part of me wishes I could go back and do it over again. Though I'm not sure what parts I'd do differently. I have many regrets. I've even questioned if it had been the right school for me. But what I remember most about those years, was the constant stress I had from dealing with the asshole of band director i grew to loathe and despise, and feeling somewhat isolated and insecure among my peers.

The year since graduation has been wonderful. My original plans to attend UBC faltered, and I instead headed to community college in Sonoma County to figure things out. It was exhilarating. It was the first time I'd felt completely able to reinvent myself and start anew. I'd been stuck with much of the same people since middle and elementary school. I know longer felt the pressure to be who I was before, something I felt in my senior year, after the changes I went through Junior year. I loved learning, being with around people form diverse walks of life and above all living on my own and doing things for myself. At home, I had a overbearing mother who was constantly nagging me about everything and showing me how to do things.

In other arenas, my social life was more alive than it had ever been. I made a lot of new friends. Several of whom I've gotten pretty close to. I had a brief and inconclusive romance with someone an immature, superficial slut. While still guarding my virginity, I've gained more experience.. And in general I came to realize how healthy it was for me mentally, to be living on my own. I feel stronger and more confident then before.

And in the fall I'll be attending the university I've been wanting to go to since sophomore year of high school, - The University of British Columbia, starting over yet again and beginning what I can only assume will be a very exciting and interesting chapter in my life. I'm very excited for my social and extracurricular life. Large LGBT scene and tonnes of foreigners and other interesting folk. There's a Japanese Tea Garden, aquatic center (with pools, Jacuzzis, saunas, steam rooms etc), nude beach and restaurants on or right by campus. plus there's Vancouver, Vancouver island, Whistler and other places to explore. can't wait.
I'm sick and tired of California. I know I'll miss it, yet I need the distance from my family and a chance to really broaden my horizons. I registered for classes and got my housing assignment and figured out my meal plan last week. I also found out that the fees and other estimated expenses are actually $6,000 less, thanks to the good exchange rate coming from the US.

revisit

I spent the past two days in Sonoma County. I had some school bussiness to take of, then I wandered around downtown for the rest of the afternoon, going to the wednesday night market. It was wierd being back. I walked by my hold dwelling at 2050 Mendocino Avenue. Time flies. I ran into a couple of my fellow band-mates. One guy who sat behind me playing Euphonium told me I was really good at the contras bass. I dunno.. I made my way to the bus station and took the bus down to Cotati to stay with my brother. We spent the afernoon eating pizza, playing Risk and smoking. The following day I went back up to Santa Rosa to see one of my friends. Turned out, last minute that his dad didn't want him too. SO I ended up spending the day wandering around the city and then taking the bus back down to San Francisco. 

Adieu

I never thought saying goodbye could be so difficult. I was proven wrong. I left Santa Rosa yesterday night, for good. Well, at least 3 years. I left one of my best friends. The one who I had spent so much time with and had so many different emotions for, in a short frame of time.

We originally met at the start of the semester. I was taking waterpolo the same time he was taking swimming. I walked past him and his eyes surveyed me and my speedo-clad body. When I stood in front of the urinal in the bathroom, he peeked. At the time he was somewhat overweight and had a sole patch. I was unimpressed. It wasn’t until about 3 months later when we formally met each other and became friends.

We spent Thursday together at a gay resort in Guerneville- a small town along the Russian River. He had talked so much about the place and his friends there, that actually being there was pretty surreal. He'd often tell me, how much he got hit on. I was cynical. Though I thought he was attractive and charming, I felt he was exaggerating- until I saw him in action. It was exactly like he said. Guys feeling him up. Any and everything.
The day was relaxing. We laid beneath the sun, chatted with an attractive older couple, - who hinted to us that they wanted a foursome...I was somewhat horny, and asked my friend several times about it. He hinted "no". I can be dangerously naive.

Later as we pulled into my driveway, we randomly started talking about interracial relationships. I don’t remember how we got to the subject. He said he'd never date outside his race, didn't understand how others could, and referred to stereotypes that I didn't even know existed. This hurt me a lot. Especially because I recently had a sexual excursion with a close non-white friend. I never saw race as a big deal. I passively accused my friend of being racist, but he repudiated that. I knew that in practice he wasn't, that he had black, Hispanic and Asian friends and wouldn't outright do anything racist. I guess his views had been shaped living in a heavily white town and having a conservative military asshole for a father.
We also talked about next year. About me going to UBC. Randomly, he came out and told me that he thought it was stupid to go to Canada, when there are so many good colleges in the US to choose from. I gave my long, intellectual reasons for wanting to go to the school, but it didn't register with him.

What hurt me the most was that this was one of the last times we were going to see each other (as residents of the same town at least). We argued on and on and almost reached a yelling point. He kept suggesting that I wanted him to leave, I had little response. I think part of me did- out of anger. He went over to the door and stood outside. I walked over and slammed it. I went to my bed and started crying. Then, just when I thought I wouldn't go back, I heard him knocking. I waited for about a minute. I knew he didn't want to leave. And he knew I didn't want him to either. It was then I realized, we were probably feeling some of the same emotions. We were both frustrated that I was leaving. He didn't understand me, or my reasons- in very much the same way I didn't understand his views on race or Canada. I suppose we both felt that arguing about those things was a scapegoat in suppressing our frustrations; that leaving it like that would have somehow made it easier. And forgetting about each other and the time we shared would’ve been better, emotionally.
But deep down, neither of us truly wanted that. I know I have a hard time erasing people from my life. Even now, I feel conflicted about him. Part of me loves him; part of me hates what I saw as his ignorant small town mentality.

I guess, we both realized how different we were. I'm a big city boy. I have big ambitions and big plans. I want to experience the world outside Northern California. My friend on the other hand, will be happy going to bars, hanging out with rambunctious friends and living in a small town for the rest of his life. Each to his own. But it stumped me at how difficult it was for us to understand each other, and the different directions we sought.

We talked and mulled things through. I was overcome with emotion. He held me tight, as I sobbed and drenched him in tears. We made out passionately. Then, he told me that we could see each other tomorrow, before my parents arrive. We did that. We went to the café we used to frequent. It was a thoroughly enjoyable afternoon. As we sat in his car, outside my apartment, we talked about how much we were going to miss each other. We locked lips one last time. I was going to miss that. He'd been my best friend, and the closest thing I'd ever had to a boyfriend.

The 9 months I spent in Sonoma County is a thing of the past now. A memory, already starting to fade as I readjust to life in San Francisco and prepare for my future in Vancouver. But I’ll always remember the short but intense friendship I had with that funny, sweet, loveable gay guy I grew to love and adore.

done

I finished all of my finals on tuesday. Since then I've been sitting at home feeling bored/lonely. My social life during the school year was very lively. I always had someting to do. Now I've just been smoking and pacing back and forth. I still can't believe i've been here 9 months. Time flies. It seems a bit of shame that I'm already leaving. But I, think i'll be happier in Vancouver. But good memories. Living on my own, having an aweful roomate, unrequitted romance with a bratty high schooler, 2 1/2 hour busrides, Hillel dinners/events, awkward party experiences, swim practice, coming out to my parents, Obama elected/prop 8 winning, loosing my oral virginity and above all, meeting so many wonderful and interesting people. haha

emotional

A friend of mine came over to my house earlier on today. We were just hanging out in my living room/kitchen when his boy friend called him. They were argueing about various things. I was laying down near him, and was in a semi-conscious sleep mode. I figure he would have left the room if he didn't want me to hear. I overheard a good deal of it, though I tried to tune it out. Afterwards, as he was getting ready to leave I could see that he had tears in his eyes, which he quickly hid with his shades. I asked him if everything was alrigh, he said yes.
I didn't expect him to talk about it with me, but I was concerned. There was something about hearing such a personal conversation and some of the specific things I heard, that made me feel uncomfortable. I felt protective of my friend. It also makes me sad when people who love each other argue. Even now, hours afterward I feel slightly depressed thinking about this. I wish i'd left or done something else.
I dunno what this says about me, or if it means anything at all. It just triggered a lot of emotions.

luv

It's hard to believe that there are only three weeks left to the semester.
This year went by so fast. It's astonishing to think that I graduated about 11 months. It really seems like yesterday.
Anywho, the past two weeks have been the climax of the semester. I had a 7 , 5, 3, and two 2 page papers due in the past two weeks. I actually managed to complete all of them. I did two of them very last minute, but I think i did ok.
The past few days have been rather relaxing. I spent the weekend doing hw/goofing off. A friend spent the night. This is the same friend who i previously had spent the night..Nothing happened this time. We both demonstrated excellent self control. Even though I was naked.

I realized how much I like having someone around to cuddle with. though i slept in my own bed, we cuddled a little bit in the morning. I can't wait to find someone to do this with and have it really mean something. I want to love, be loved and make love. It would be the most amazing thing.

I seem to have come to feel more open to dating different types of guys. I've restricted myself less than I used to. Now I basically believe in going for whatever/whoever feels right.
I can't wait for summer

the final stretch

This week flew by.
I guess it was because i didn't have anything big due. But the next few weeks are going to be nuts. finishing research assignments, projects etc and then taking finals will be a bitch. I'm also going up to vancouver the weekend after this to check out UBC and make sure I wanna go there. After that I've only got antoher 3 weeks until I'm off for summer! On that note, I'm still a bit lost about what I 'm gonna do over the summer. It's unlikely that I'm going to Israel now. Ireland is still up in the air, and now there is talk among my more extended family about going to Oregon to this awesome beach town we went to a lot when i was young. I also dunno whether or not I should go takae summer classes. It seems like a big commitment, epsecially cuz most classes are monday-friday. And then I also wanna work at the Zoo and Randall Museum. And last but certainly not least, I want to spend a lot of quality time with my friends, including my new SR firends. I wanna spend a lot of time at the beach, especially with friends. Maybe get a full-bodied tan ;).
And I'd really like to be in a damn relationship!

Big city boy vs small town man

I spent Thursday-Saturday in San Francisco. It was my first time down in about 5 weeks. the longest interval yet. For some reason, when I was going down more regularly I felt happier to be there. Whereas this weekend I really wasn't that pushed on it. I think it's because I felt so solid in my life in Santa Rosa. Even the awkward things that have happened to me in the past few weeks seemed to not effect me. I've kinda been leading a double life this year. between SF and SR. I'm trying hard to keep up with friends in SF (which i was productive in doing this weekend), while also continueing to forge ties with people in sonoma county. After a few days in SF, I get into the rountine of things and then i have to head back to SR. And my trips used to be bi-weekly. It seems I'm happier wherever I've been the longest. i don't like changing my rountine. especially between a big city and medium size town. they both have their good and bad attributes. Now I wonder What'll happen to me next year..In Bellingham Wa or Vancouver bc. I wonder how well I'll adapt, in another state or country. I know very little about Bellingham, and my only time in Vancouver was almost 2 years ago. I'm just not sure what it'll be like to live in a city that isn't San Francisco. I know the campus is located in an almost suburbian penninsula which makes it kinda simialar to SR. But I've grown to appreciate smaller towns. The people are friendlier, hospitable, less crazy and life is more laid-back. Though, based on my experiences, a similar thing could be said about Canada and Canadians. And there'll be a good range of people. Big city types from calgary, edmonton, Winnepeg, toronto, montreal, halifax etc and people from small towns from all over the vast canadian frontier. And of course the 11% international students. It'll be interesting.
If I do indeed end up at UBC, I'd also be in a bit of deep water about my major. I'm thinking strongly about a poli sci major. But I feel like I wanna get into more depth with American politics. hence my reason for applying to American University in Washington DC (most politically active campus in the US). though i guess that could be an overdose. Though I know political science is more about politics in general. And looking at the US politically from the Canadian perspective would be interesting. we'll see

reflections

SO for my Sex and Gender class I had to write a 5 page research paper on a topic related to gender, sexual identity or Orientation. I decided to do mine on "Coming Out". I've never written a paper on such a deep topic like this before. As I was writing it, I began to recall my own experience coming out and how significant that was for me. I guess up until now I'd never really though that deeply about what I went through 2 1/2-3 years ago. I was 16 and sooo different from who and what I am now. I was a Catpillar that made it's cocoon and came out a butterfly. I also wonder how different my life would be now had I come out a lot earlier or even a lot later. But it was an interesting writing expereince.

You drive me crazy (I just can't sleep)

The past two weeks have been crazy. I'm pretty overwhelmed/stressed with everything that is happening. My Homework load is Nightmareish. I just got assigned another essay from English class, after just finishing the last one. I have a 12 page analysis of US bilateral relations with Cuba and Iran due around the same time, a 5 research paper due next week in gender studies, a 2 page paper for the same class due the week after that, test corrections from my midterm, a 2 page essay and 6 page research paper all for anthro...+ I'm still waiting to hear back from a college in washington, which i might go visit with in the next few weeks. Scholarship applications, and working at Hillel are also on my agenda. And last, but certainly not least, visiting all my friends in the city, which I might not be able to do until the end of the semester.

In other news, my social life in SR~
My new friend spent the night last week, and a lot happened..I ended up regretting and feeling bad about what I did. I realized casual sexual contact, doesn't suit me. I was so emotionally stressed by it, I couldn't enjoy a declicious meal at Hillel, on Friday. I'd tricked my self into thinking I had serious feelings for him, becuase of our intimacy. I felt we'd taken advantage of each others weaknesses, that got us to the point where I was compromising my morals, because I was overcome with lust and liked this individual already as a friend. A similar thing happened Tuesday night. But that went much worse, as it was filled by awkward and embarassing situations. I don't want to put myself in situations where my morals are I must comromise my morals, but it happens anyways because my mind gets fogged by impulses. While we have good chemistry, I don't think I would want to be with this friend, even if he were more available. But I want somebody in my life, just don't know who. If I've already met him or will meet him. After a year of let downs, I need something good.

sLuT

The past few days have been nutty. I went skinny dipping in lake at 2 in the morning with my new friend. interesting things happened...hm. I procrastinated for most of Saturday and Sunday with HW which i am still drowning in.
But something else has been bothering me lately. A dear friend of mine told me some very distrubing things about a certain someone I'd liked for quite some time.
Here's the FB IM scripts:

between Séamus and so&so

so&so

remember how he told you, he was a virgin?

i dont think thats entirely true

11:10pmSéamus

!?

11:10pmso&so

yeah

he apparently wanted my friend -----

and ----- has friends at ------

and they said that ----- has had his fair share of men

and he heard straight from one of them that they had sex and i think some others too

11:11pmseamus

!

my friend saw him on ----- campus with another someone else

11:12pmSéamus

he's a slut

he said 3 guys

11:13pm

damn

i mean

i never heard a number

but damn

im pretty sure thats a lie

lol

multiply by 3!

its like american pie!

11:14pmSéamus

eww

11:15pmso&so

ewwww

ive been with 3 or 4

and im 18

oh dear

11:16pmSéamus

but you look a older

he's a twink

11:16pmso&so

true

11:16pmSéamus

i can't believe i liked him

he wasn't that nice to me anyways

11:17pmso&so

hes very likable

no he wasnt

hes a player

im sorry hun

ive never seen him with boys

i didnt know he was like that

11:17pmSéamus

who told you?

11:18pmso&so

told me what?

11:18pmSéamus

all of this

11:19pmso&so

------

and you

hearing stuff from you

and hearing stuff from -----

like

after you and he cooled down

around new years or whatever

he started kinda going for -----

nothing happened because ------ found out all this shit

and i found out ----- is a shady slut

11:20pmSéamus

this is so enlightenign to me

also, i never told you this

because i was conflcited, cuz i still liked him

11:21pmso&so

understandable

wait so what didnt you tell me?

11:21pmSéamus

but,

he talked shit about you

i forget what exactly

11:22pmso&so

eh

whatever

hes a gossip

11:22pmSéamus

but you're nice and sweet an all that, so it went theough one ear and out the other

11:23pmso&so

honestly i have no idea what he would know about me

lol

like

----- and --- do not interact

and yeah i knew ----- kids

but nothing dramatic ever happened with any of them

not the ones id expect ----- to know anyway

11:24pmSéamus

yes

11:24pmso&so

so im guessing ----- is just full of it

hate to say it

11:24pmSéamus

yes

11:24pmso&so

but there it is

C'est ironique

I nearly died of laughter inside, when just a few minutes ago my roomate asked me if i needed help with an essay for english class. The paper was on how excessive media use is bad. That you become too reliant on it, become anti-social and become part of the consumerist/capitalist establishment etc. It just makes me LMAO that someone who spends 9+ hours a day playing computer games and time asleep with his ipod on, would think he could potentially help me with such an essay. I guess he's lonely, and wants to feel needed. I feel kinda bad though, because his parents negelect him. He's moving out this Sunday.

To much of a good thing, is bad

I have high self-esteem. I expect everyone to like me and/or be attractred to me. When they don't, it's because they have the wrong impression of me or soemthing, so I avoid them. I think I'm flawless. And it's my percieved flawlessness that is my flaw. And now I'm feeling disgusted by myself.
But I haven't always been this way. In high school I wasn't that well liked; though some of the people who truly knew me told me I was special and that I have a lot to give. This built my confidence and self-esteem. This view of myself in relation to others, is also what i think, in some ways has contributed to me not being in a relationship.
Also, today i met a guy who was very straightforward and blunt, in telling me that he thinks I'm hot and that he wants to kiss me. I would have and should have, but felt that it would be taking things to quick. And I know that a good kiss can often lead to other things..And moving beyond this would make things complicated for him. so i withheld. A little while before this happened, and elderly man told me that if he had as many people interested in me as I did, he'd be trying each one of them, giving them a chance. This made me feel guilty...that there have been a number of individuals who have liked me, but have not had the feeling reciprocated. To put this in perspective, I just found out today, that a past lover/potenital is seeing someone who goes to my old high school. the guy he's seeing is really nice though. But this makes me wonder. It made me sick thinking about it.

If you come, to San Francisco...

I went down to my beloved birth place this weekend. Friday night, i went out with my friend and some of his friends to see "I love you, man". Was cute, especially cuz of Paul Rudd. was a good evening. I'm trying to figure out my feelings for the friend that i was with. so some confusion there. Also in that another friend who i talke dto earlier on that day, told me her friend who i met a few weeks ago, is "pretty into me". And I'm still having nervous/awkward eye contact in band, with the Oboeist. I dunno which of these people to go for..I'm such an indecisive person. It takes me so long to make descisons, that by the time i decide it is too late or doesn't matter. I really wanna be in a relationship right now. I want to love someone other than myself. Or at least someone who I really like. one of these days.
Anywho, saturday went well. I moped around the house for a while. then I went to wrok at the Randall Museum. I miss the place. Been volunteering there once a week since the 7th grade. I was last there in January. We got two Guinea Pigs and some variety of sparrow. I wandered around the castro for a while afterward, hoping to bump into people. no luck. After this, I went to this classy crab-shack restaraunt avec my family. I tried some fish. Didn't tickle my fancy. though i guess fish never did, even when I wasn't a vegetarian. Then I took the 80 back up here. Took under 2 hours. which is a first. I even got most of my rough draft done for my english essay.

a "B" ? wtf

I got my essay back today from my English teacher. The topic was basically about someone we admired and/or identified with. I chose Bill Clinton. I wrote 1 1/2 more pages than required. My teacher thought it was really good, but she didn't give me an "A" because I didn't have proper MLA format. This is a prime example of my laziness. I did the MLA citations thing, 1/2 hour before class on noodlebib. I know deep down that I'm an "A" student. But sometimes I get to cocky and confident before a test or final, thinking I know what's up. This got me in trouble on my anthro mid-term. I didn;t feel the need to study. I felt to confident. And a similar thing on my Gender studies mid-term i had today. I didn't study the simple material. Just the hard shit. I probably ended up missing a few questions as a result. This happened last semester in Anthro and Astronomy. The two classes that were easiest for me, that I was such a wizz in, ended up stumping me on the finals, and I got B's in both classes, when I know an "A" was so easily within my grasp. silly me

Monday

My first day back from break was longgg. I woke up at 9, layed in bed until 10. went swimming at 11. Developed a nasty stomach bug. Didn't eat anything. Club council meeting from 12-1. studying for mid-term from 1-3. Student Government meeting from 3-4. Anthro from 5:30-7. Political science from 7-10. Power outage when I got home. Ran around looking for a place to eat/by something already made.
With a long, stressful days comes some rewards... I got a "B" on my Anthro mid-term and found out that I could bump it up to an "A" if I wrote a paragraph analyzing each question and it's correct answer. Also, my roomate is moving out in about a week, which means I can start having people over more reguarly and host Hillel dinners. excited

Procrastination

I've gotten so little done over the past two days since i returned hom from the camping trip. urghh. I'd originally intended to spend this weekend down in SF, but i had things to do in SR and a mountain of HW. My family was gone for the weekend, taking my sister to her soccer tournament in Redding. I could've had the place to myself. I could've had a sleep over. hehe
I feel like I would be doing better at school and procrastinating less if I were in a relationship. The ambiguity in my romance life is stressful. I don't know who I like and what exactly I want. Each potential lover has certain attributes I like. Some are locationally more conventiently located, while others are farther away. I almost feel it would be easier if I just met someone completely new altogether. idk
Also, I'm second guessing what I want to do next year. I applied to 4 universities. 1 west coast, 2 east coast. Part of me wants to get away from the Bay Area, another part wants to stay in Santa Rosa for at least another semester, and another wants me to go to city college next year. My reason for wanting to transfer after only a year at a JC, is mostly due to the incomplete social enviorment; it's a commuter school. It's hard to network and meet people. I've been lucky to make a few good friends. But I feel I need more. I don't think City college would be good for me either. It would mean i'd probably have to live at home..which I would hate to do. And many of the friends that are still in SF, will be graduating in a few months and going away next year.
What happens next year will depend on what schools i get into, where i like and how much scholarship money I recieve.
stressss

So this one time, at Jew Camp...

I spent the past 4 days camping in southern Oregon, living in very close proximity to 4 people from Hillel (association for jewish campus life). I was literally cut out from the world for what seemed like a few weeks. I was in unchartered territory and the only thing familiar to me were these 4 interesting individuals.
The trip went swimmingly. The car ride up was long, because my friend wanted to stop at every tourist trap, just for the hell of it. We went to a no-gravity place, Legend of Bigfoot, Mystery Trees, stopped in Arcata, crescent city. etc. During the day we'd do various trail resoration/enviorment projects and visit the tidepools. At night we'd have dinner and go off and do something fun. Thursday night we saw "International". twas o.k. Then we'd come back play cards or smoke Hookah
I was never without company. Something I'm not used to. The only time I felt truly alone, was in the shower...Which was why I looked forward to them every day.
In some cultures, having constant company is cherished. In American Culture "alone time" seems to be valued because our lives are hectic and crazy. I think I in particular, embody this idea. I'm very independent. Unruly. rogue. Living in such close quarters with others was stressful. Especially, with so much interdependence. We each had different chores. There was one legitimate leader who we all listened to. He was smart, experienced and kept everyone else in check. I hate feeling subordinate to others. especially men. It lowered my confidence, my sex drive. I had less room to be independent and successful, because I' relied on others and others relied on me. I'm used to being the Alpha male. my own Alpha male. And getting my way.
During the trip I had little access to technology. Cell service was unreliable and I forgot to bring my recharger. It makes me realize how reliant I, and really most (especially young) Americans have become on technology. I wanted to check my facebook, send text messages and check my e-mails. no luck. My social life is so technologically based it's scary. I've spent more time getting to know some of my friends using the internet, then by being with them in person. It feels kinda superficial. I now feel guilty about wanting alone time during the trip. Since the kind of socialization I had is becoming increasingly uncommon as we progress further into the ultra-technologically advanced 21st century.
In spite of this discomfort, it was an excellent bonding experience...getting to know other people really well by being around the constantly for 4 days. I haven't had that in along time. I realize that this kind of intensive socialization/travelling experience, is only minor, to the one I might be going on this May...to Israel and Jordan. for 10, possibly more days.

About me

I figure most of the people reading this blog probably already know me.
But here is my life story anyways, for those who don't keep up
I was Born and raised in San Francisco in a secular leftist household by a neurotic and controlling jewish mother and a quiet, scholarly Irish-born father. I attended a middle school where i was terribly unhappy and lonely, but I got exeptional grades and left feeling prepared. Following this, I went to an Art high school, along with the only friend I made in middle school. (who remains one of my best friends to this day). My high school years were an improvement from my middle school experience, but far from perfect. Within a year or two of being there, most of my class had fed into the sketchy druggy culture of the school. I remained innocent and wholesome.
My Junior year was a huge changing point. I came out of the closet. This was a result of seeing therapy for my stress/anxiety problems. I became more reflective and introspective about my feelings. My wants and needs. With time, I became happier, stronger and much more in touch with my emotions. I made friends, particuarly among the young lgbt people in the castro. When Senior year rolled around, I had the intention of being more outgoing and open about myself. This proved difficult as I was already a shy person. I had an immensly difficult time trying to change my persona, to the one I wanted. I struggled that year through Advanced Algebra as well, which i dropped out of junior year, because i was so stressed. Beyond that I recieved all A's. The college application process was dissaitisfying. I didn't get into 3, ended up not liking 3 and received inconveniently late acceptance letters from 2 which included no housing. I decided to not risk the money and unhappiness to instead spend a year or two at a Junior College in Sonoma County.
Living away from home has been wonderful for me. I've become really involved with student life and have recieved good grades. At the same time, i also realize that the JC is only a temporary situation. I want and need more. A strong, stable social life, distance from my family and a University atmosphere full of friendly, intelligent and unique individuals. My love life has been a constant issue... Around the time I moved out of the house, I opened up to a friend about my feelings about him. In the time I'd known him, I knew he liked me. I heard this through mutual friends/aquaintences. I guess I was waiting to hear it directly from him. But then I also realized, that at the time, I really wasn't ready for a relationship.
In October I met someone else. We talked for hours...about everything. We even made out and he told me he really liked me. Since then everything went down hill. He repetetively rejected my invites to "hang out". I cried several times over this. At this point, I've given up on him, and now am looking for new possibilities.

Spring Break

I had my first concert Friday night. I played Contra Bass Clarinet, which is basically a metal bass on steroids. It was the most positive concert expereince I've had in years. I like my conductor, the people and i like that i'm the only one with my instrument. My brother showed up, along with his sketchy whitetrashy roomates. They're nice though. I stayed up kinda late on the computer to things..yeah. things lol. Saturday was funny. I went to a friends birthday party, at this Himalyan restaraunt on lombard street. It started out boring, and friend was rather upset. The guests included her school friends, co-workers, ex-boyfriends, two semi-attractive gay guys and some adults affiliated with her in various ways. As more and more people came, things got better. The restaraunt hired a female belly dancer to do her thing on the stage. Soon, everyone was up there dancing and having a good time, making a fool out of themselves in the process. I engaged myself in conversation wth one of the gay guys. He seemed nice. I later found ou that he smokes. to bad
Sunday and monday were unproductive. I wondered aimlessly through the castro and got no work done.