cramming

Less than a week to go! I'm excited/nervous/unsure about leaving San Francisco and heading back to vancouver. The summer flew by. Though i've been busy meeting new people, i realized about a week ago that there were still a number of old friends I hadn't seen this summer. I'd thought of them a few times earlier on, but part of me wanted them to make the effort to reach out to me first, if they wanted to meet up. In recent weeks, some of them did express interest in hanging out.
One such friend I met up with the other day. She was my best friend from my early childhood, ut hadn't seen her in about 5 years up until last year. We had a great time reminesing and stuff.
While I thought today would end up being totally unproductive relaxing at the beach with one friend; i ran into another who i went to high shool and hadn't seen since graduation. similarly, we spent time talking about old times. About high school and all the people we knew. It was nice. neither of us thought the other had changed much.
Other than running into her, i spent the day resting with the friend who i'd gone to the beach with got us involved in a game of nude volleyball. =P

memories

As of today I no longer work at the zoo. Since I'm only here for another 7 weeks, and the place has strict scheduling rules, they suggested that it wouldn't really make sense for me to continue coming in. Not working there anymore is a really difficult thing for me to swallow. I've been going in twice a week during the summer and once a week during the school year since I was 12. I have so many memories of the place, its animals and the people who work there. =(

you want a piece of me? sure. okay

The past 6 weeks that i've spent fooling around hasn't made me a happier person. I began this summer thinking that it might be a good idea to gain more experience, meeting more guys and having fun. As I'm only here for another 2 months, I know it wouldn't be smart to get too emotionally involved with someone. But after an experience last night, I feel somewhat grossed out with myself about my behaviour. I was at a club, as usual on a thursday night. I ran into a guy i've been talking to on a website. By the end of the night we ended up in the bathroom with a third guy. use your imagination. We also got walked in on, by a rather forceful individual who tried to join in. awkward.

I guess part of the reason I initially felt a need to meet so many guys this summer, was to compensate for not doing it earlier on in my late high school/early college days and to be on par with the numbers of guys my friends have been with. Well, in a 1 week period, I was with as many guys as i'd been with my entire life up until april. hooking up has kind of become an obsession. I guess it's healthy one at least. but it doesn't make me feel good about myself.

tanning, whoring etc

Well, i've been back for about 6 weeks now. Unfortunately i haven't been able to get a job as I'd said i would and had promised my mom i would. I had an interview at petco last friday, which made me hopeful. It didn't go as well as i'd hoped, and i didn't get called in for the second interview. At this point I've more or less given up. Since I got back i've been spending a lot of time at baker's beach soaking up the sun. The last time I was there a late morning fog rolled in over the beach and nearby cliffs. It was beautiful as it blanketed nearby homes and the surrounding area, but with little pockets offered occasional glimpses. Growing up here i'd never really appreciated the fog and this kind of phenomenon.

Well, other than gaining appreciation for San Francisco's weather, I've been busy spending time meeting guys. I currently belong to about 5 different dating sites. adam4adam has been my sole provider of men to meet. i thought it would be a good tool to help me make more friends. I've realized that compared to the number of friends I have in Vancouver, I really don't have many back here. I haven't seen or talked to my two best friends from high school in about year. It was the distance and their flakiness that pulled us apart. It's sad because beyond occasional communication on fb, i no longer talk to anyone i went to elementary, middle or high school with.

But on adam4adam i've met some nice and interesting guys. though some of them ended up being one-time dates or hookups, they've all enriched my life in some way, as they've told me about their lives, experiences etc. For example, one of them fucked a major broadway actor. Another is a flight attendant. Another went to Harvard. Another judges horses. Another was a pager in the US senate. etc. And having sex every week since i've been back has been rather wonderful. today, I went in for a long overdue sti test.

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Home again

I've been back in San Francisco for two weeks now after what's been a rather exiciting year at UBC. I have no regrets going to that school. My social life was more vibrant than it ever has been, the classes were enriching and Vancouver was an awesome city to be in. I've met some of the most intersting people from around the world. The year and its experiences made me more confident and headstrong.

I was always very concious of the fact that I was in a different country. Sometimes this was a big deal, other times it wasn't. Living in Canada really made me question my identity as an American, a Californian and a San Franciscan. I found myself often vigorously defending my country whenever anti-American rhetoric reared its ugly head. Meeting other Americans from other parts of the country also gave me new perspectives on the US and what life in like in the county outside of my little San Francisco-Bay Area bubble; that my hometown isn't the only progressive and leftist city in the country.

Also, for the second time in my life, I met a guy who I have feelings for and who i'd like to be monogamous with. I don't know why tat feeling for me is so rare. I often get infatuated with guys who i realistically wouldn't want to be with in the long run. But this special guy made me not want to be my usual sexually liberal self. While he was with me, for the week that he was in vancouver, I only wanted to be with him. no one else. It was a kind of fulfilling feeling I wish I experineced more often. Unfortunately the distance between us will keep me from feeling that, as I know I a long distanced relationship isn't a realistic option for us.

So in the mean time I'm getting back into the swing of things, living at home with my family. Things have been pretty good. Annie is still going strong, Charlotte is an excellent student and health/nutrition nazi, my mom and i still find things to argue and nag each other about, dad hasn't changed and haven't seen Matt yet. I'm trying to find a job, to take the empty time off my hands. I've applied to about 10 places. Hopefully I'll get soemthing. I feel guilty that I haven't worked for the past year. compared to most people my age, I have very little expereince with real jobs. My numerous hours of volunteering experience look good, but it'd be nice to get paid for a change.

I'm trying to make new friends this summer, as I've realized that I have very few here. I'm trying to take a holistic approach to friend making. A little something known as friends with benefits. It works well for me I realize. One nighters and nsa aren't for me.

spring fling thing

Two weeks ago a friend of mine told me she had a friend visiting her for the week and she wanted us to meet. At the beggining of our first meeting I was a bit skeptical about this matching, but towards the end of the night he was growing on me. While at times he acted immature and would act up, I felt for the first time in a while that I'd found someone who I had feelings for and was quite attracted to. I don't know what his initial wants were; whether he wanted a random nsa hookup or fb. But we enjoyed spending together. It came at an incoveneient timing as I had final exams all week long. But luckily i was able to fit in sometime to see him and have a different kind of study session ;). Hopefully, I'll be fortunate to meet someone like this who i feel similarly about this summer.

super overdue

Today, after 7 months of debating with myself, I finally struck up the nerve to text back a guy I've been wanting to meet up with since our intial encounter back in October. We'd exchanged phone numbers. For various reasons I abstained from calling him. I thought he'd call me first, but he never did. I got the impression that he wasn't into me. Additionally, he'd been dating another guy around the time that happened and I felt bad for intervening.

Like me, he gets a lot of attention from guys and isn't used to getting rejected. He seems to have a pretty big ego. I felt that if i'd followed through and called him back, i'd just be stroking his ego and doing the same thing that other guys who want to be with him. But in using this tactic, I not only didn't get what I wanted, but he seemed to have been hurt by it. .

Everytime I ran into him he gave me a "why didn't you call me" kind of look. Other complications arose soon after. A friend of his became an enemy of mine, and so i didn't want to complicate things further. For a while I didn't think of him much; I was dating a guy for much of january and february and early march. But gradually, I began to realize that I should of done something about this guy. I was hoping to just run into him on accident. That rarely happened, and when it did, he was with other people. But today after a slight mental breakdown I had last night, I mustered up the courage to finally send him a very belated text message asking him if he wanted to hangout/go for coffee etc. He appreciated this, but told me "I don't really see you in that way". it took me a while to understand what he meant by this. The conclusion that I came to was that i'd just waited too long and he'd gotten over it.

Well, I'm not over it. Not pursuing him is one of the worst decisions I've ever made.

semester 2 (in progress)

I really haven't been good about keeping this up.

My second semester has gone by quite well. Minus the fact that I have 5 term papers (which i've been managing suprsingly well), I'm quite satisfied with school. I realize that i'm only up here for another month and then I head home to San Francisco in early May. I've made so many friends and I realize next year isn't going to be the same. Some of them are graduating or were only here for the year on exchange and are heading home around the same time I am. next year really won't be the same.

One of my objectives for this year was to meet a special someone. Didn't happen. I've met so many available guys, but then i realize that they're probably not right for me. I also feel that my past expereinces with getting rejected my a guy (subject m), may have deterred me from pursuing other guys and exposing my vulnerabilities to them. I realize, that I had a hard time doing that with the guys I've dated here. I'm not as emotional as I used to be.

Because it's so late in the year, I'm going to take things with a grain of salt and act on my slutty desires. There are several guys I wish I'd hooked up with (and who i could have quite easily), but didn't.

I'm looking forward to seeing what san francisco has to offer me this summer. A summer romance?

blogspot?

I've completely neglected writing for the past 4 months that I've been at UBC. I guess that's a good thing. I don't have the time. I love it here. I love the people I've met (and i've met so many), I love the campus, the city and my classes. There's so much to do here and only so much time to do it in. The first month I was here, I was frequenting the beach, right near campus. It was an amazing place to hangout at. Other than being clothes-free (always a plus for me), the water was warmer than it ever is at any of the beaches in San Francisco and cleaner too. Inaddition to the beach I was taking advantage of the fitness center, library, student union builiding, the clubs and their events and going clubbing downtown. Everywhere time leave my residence I run into people I know. I think I've met more people here alone, then I've met anywhere else in the time that I've been here.

Classes were more difficult than I expected. My opinions of them fluctuated over the course of the semester. They seemed easy in the beginning. But the midterms were brutal and the finals were rough. I haven't liked my professors as much as I would've hoped. I guess ratemyproffesors.com isn't always totally reliable.I feel relatively good about the new term. I've spent so much time trying to figure out my schedule. I've attended about 14 different classes, just to see what they're like. Comparing and contrasting. As of now, four of my classes require 8-10 page term papers as part of the course work. And I though two was a lot!

To spice up my social life and utilize time I would otherwise use by masturbating to porn or working out obsessively I've taken on several extracurriculars. I'm on the executive committee for pride (lgbt club on campus) and joined a waterpolo club team. I'm also in the process of finally getting a job. Mom told me to wait on it until next year, but I feel so lazy and bad about myself when I look at other people my age who are basically supporting themselves or on a super-tight budget. Plus, I feel too guilty spending money I didn't earn on booze or other things I don't really need, but like to have/get.

more to come soon.

As usual, the one thing that isn't quite working for me right now, is my love life. Still no one special someone in my life. There are a number of potentials, but my love life over the past four months as been rather dull.

Over winter vacation I had two interesting experiences. One involved two other guys, the other involved me as the flower being pollinated. The first one was interesting and kinda fun, but wasn't wild about it. The second experience was rather amazing and I'm hoping for more sometime soon.

At UBC, the closest thing I've come to in terms of sex, was a semi-orgy thing I had with three guys from pride (UBC lgbt club). I seemed to hit it off quite well with subject D, who was easily the most attractive gay guy I've met at UBC. He said a few flattering things during the course of the night to me. He asked me for my phone number the following morning when we were leaving to go back to our residences. I never called him. I guess because because I'm not accustomed to that. I usually wait for guys to call me. However, besides him being attractive, I didn't see much else to him that I really liked.

A good friend of mine was showing me a personal profile from a gay dating/hookup website. I looked through the website, briefly and without much thinking about it, created a profile. It's a good thing I did. I've already found 5 guys who live relatively close by, who I could easily meet up with.