sLuT

The past few days have been nutty. I went skinny dipping in lake at 2 in the morning with my new friend. interesting things happened...hm. I procrastinated for most of Saturday and Sunday with HW which i am still drowning in.
But something else has been bothering me lately. A dear friend of mine told me some very distrubing things about a certain someone I'd liked for quite some time.
Here's the FB IM scripts:

between Séamus and so&so

so&so

remember how he told you, he was a virgin?

i dont think thats entirely true

11:10pmSéamus

!?

11:10pmso&so

yeah

he apparently wanted my friend -----

and ----- has friends at ------

and they said that ----- has had his fair share of men

and he heard straight from one of them that they had sex and i think some others too

11:11pmseamus

!

my friend saw him on ----- campus with another someone else

11:12pmSéamus

he's a slut

he said 3 guys

11:13pm

damn

i mean

i never heard a number

but damn

im pretty sure thats a lie

lol

multiply by 3!

its like american pie!

11:14pmSéamus

eww

11:15pmso&so

ewwww

ive been with 3 or 4

and im 18

oh dear

11:16pmSéamus

but you look a older

he's a twink

11:16pmso&so

true

11:16pmSéamus

i can't believe i liked him

he wasn't that nice to me anyways

11:17pmso&so

hes very likable

no he wasnt

hes a player

im sorry hun

ive never seen him with boys

i didnt know he was like that

11:17pmSéamus

who told you?

11:18pmso&so

told me what?

11:18pmSéamus

all of this

11:19pmso&so

------

and you

hearing stuff from you

and hearing stuff from -----

like

after you and he cooled down

around new years or whatever

he started kinda going for -----

nothing happened because ------ found out all this shit

and i found out ----- is a shady slut

11:20pmSéamus

this is so enlightenign to me

also, i never told you this

because i was conflcited, cuz i still liked him

11:21pmso&so

understandable

wait so what didnt you tell me?

11:21pmSéamus

but,

he talked shit about you

i forget what exactly

11:22pmso&so

eh

whatever

hes a gossip

11:22pmSéamus

but you're nice and sweet an all that, so it went theough one ear and out the other

11:23pmso&so

honestly i have no idea what he would know about me

lol

like

----- and --- do not interact

and yeah i knew ----- kids

but nothing dramatic ever happened with any of them

not the ones id expect ----- to know anyway

11:24pmSéamus

yes

11:24pmso&so

so im guessing ----- is just full of it

hate to say it

11:24pmSéamus

yes

11:24pmso&so

but there it is

C'est ironique

I nearly died of laughter inside, when just a few minutes ago my roomate asked me if i needed help with an essay for english class. The paper was on how excessive media use is bad. That you become too reliant on it, become anti-social and become part of the consumerist/capitalist establishment etc. It just makes me LMAO that someone who spends 9+ hours a day playing computer games and time asleep with his ipod on, would think he could potentially help me with such an essay. I guess he's lonely, and wants to feel needed. I feel kinda bad though, because his parents negelect him. He's moving out this Sunday.

To much of a good thing, is bad

I have high self-esteem. I expect everyone to like me and/or be attractred to me. When they don't, it's because they have the wrong impression of me or soemthing, so I avoid them. I think I'm flawless. And it's my percieved flawlessness that is my flaw. And now I'm feeling disgusted by myself.
But I haven't always been this way. In high school I wasn't that well liked; though some of the people who truly knew me told me I was special and that I have a lot to give. This built my confidence and self-esteem. This view of myself in relation to others, is also what i think, in some ways has contributed to me not being in a relationship.
Also, today i met a guy who was very straightforward and blunt, in telling me that he thinks I'm hot and that he wants to kiss me. I would have and should have, but felt that it would be taking things to quick. And I know that a good kiss can often lead to other things..And moving beyond this would make things complicated for him. so i withheld. A little while before this happened, and elderly man told me that if he had as many people interested in me as I did, he'd be trying each one of them, giving them a chance. This made me feel guilty...that there have been a number of individuals who have liked me, but have not had the feeling reciprocated. To put this in perspective, I just found out today, that a past lover/potenital is seeing someone who goes to my old high school. the guy he's seeing is really nice though. But this makes me wonder. It made me sick thinking about it.

If you come, to San Francisco...

I went down to my beloved birth place this weekend. Friday night, i went out with my friend and some of his friends to see "I love you, man". Was cute, especially cuz of Paul Rudd. was a good evening. I'm trying to figure out my feelings for the friend that i was with. so some confusion there. Also in that another friend who i talke dto earlier on that day, told me her friend who i met a few weeks ago, is "pretty into me". And I'm still having nervous/awkward eye contact in band, with the Oboeist. I dunno which of these people to go for..I'm such an indecisive person. It takes me so long to make descisons, that by the time i decide it is too late or doesn't matter. I really wanna be in a relationship right now. I want to love someone other than myself. Or at least someone who I really like. one of these days.
Anywho, saturday went well. I moped around the house for a while. then I went to wrok at the Randall Museum. I miss the place. Been volunteering there once a week since the 7th grade. I was last there in January. We got two Guinea Pigs and some variety of sparrow. I wandered around the castro for a while afterward, hoping to bump into people. no luck. After this, I went to this classy crab-shack restaraunt avec my family. I tried some fish. Didn't tickle my fancy. though i guess fish never did, even when I wasn't a vegetarian. Then I took the 80 back up here. Took under 2 hours. which is a first. I even got most of my rough draft done for my english essay.

a "B" ? wtf

I got my essay back today from my English teacher. The topic was basically about someone we admired and/or identified with. I chose Bill Clinton. I wrote 1 1/2 more pages than required. My teacher thought it was really good, but she didn't give me an "A" because I didn't have proper MLA format. This is a prime example of my laziness. I did the MLA citations thing, 1/2 hour before class on noodlebib. I know deep down that I'm an "A" student. But sometimes I get to cocky and confident before a test or final, thinking I know what's up. This got me in trouble on my anthro mid-term. I didn;t feel the need to study. I felt to confident. And a similar thing on my Gender studies mid-term i had today. I didn't study the simple material. Just the hard shit. I probably ended up missing a few questions as a result. This happened last semester in Anthro and Astronomy. The two classes that were easiest for me, that I was such a wizz in, ended up stumping me on the finals, and I got B's in both classes, when I know an "A" was so easily within my grasp. silly me

Monday

My first day back from break was longgg. I woke up at 9, layed in bed until 10. went swimming at 11. Developed a nasty stomach bug. Didn't eat anything. Club council meeting from 12-1. studying for mid-term from 1-3. Student Government meeting from 3-4. Anthro from 5:30-7. Political science from 7-10. Power outage when I got home. Ran around looking for a place to eat/by something already made.
With a long, stressful days comes some rewards... I got a "B" on my Anthro mid-term and found out that I could bump it up to an "A" if I wrote a paragraph analyzing each question and it's correct answer. Also, my roomate is moving out in about a week, which means I can start having people over more reguarly and host Hillel dinners. excited

Procrastination

I've gotten so little done over the past two days since i returned hom from the camping trip. urghh. I'd originally intended to spend this weekend down in SF, but i had things to do in SR and a mountain of HW. My family was gone for the weekend, taking my sister to her soccer tournament in Redding. I could've had the place to myself. I could've had a sleep over. hehe
I feel like I would be doing better at school and procrastinating less if I were in a relationship. The ambiguity in my romance life is stressful. I don't know who I like and what exactly I want. Each potential lover has certain attributes I like. Some are locationally more conventiently located, while others are farther away. I almost feel it would be easier if I just met someone completely new altogether. idk
Also, I'm second guessing what I want to do next year. I applied to 4 universities. 1 west coast, 2 east coast. Part of me wants to get away from the Bay Area, another part wants to stay in Santa Rosa for at least another semester, and another wants me to go to city college next year. My reason for wanting to transfer after only a year at a JC, is mostly due to the incomplete social enviorment; it's a commuter school. It's hard to network and meet people. I've been lucky to make a few good friends. But I feel I need more. I don't think City college would be good for me either. It would mean i'd probably have to live at home..which I would hate to do. And many of the friends that are still in SF, will be graduating in a few months and going away next year.
What happens next year will depend on what schools i get into, where i like and how much scholarship money I recieve.
stressss

So this one time, at Jew Camp...

I spent the past 4 days camping in southern Oregon, living in very close proximity to 4 people from Hillel (association for jewish campus life). I was literally cut out from the world for what seemed like a few weeks. I was in unchartered territory and the only thing familiar to me were these 4 interesting individuals.
The trip went swimmingly. The car ride up was long, because my friend wanted to stop at every tourist trap, just for the hell of it. We went to a no-gravity place, Legend of Bigfoot, Mystery Trees, stopped in Arcata, crescent city. etc. During the day we'd do various trail resoration/enviorment projects and visit the tidepools. At night we'd have dinner and go off and do something fun. Thursday night we saw "International". twas o.k. Then we'd come back play cards or smoke Hookah
I was never without company. Something I'm not used to. The only time I felt truly alone, was in the shower...Which was why I looked forward to them every day.
In some cultures, having constant company is cherished. In American Culture "alone time" seems to be valued because our lives are hectic and crazy. I think I in particular, embody this idea. I'm very independent. Unruly. rogue. Living in such close quarters with others was stressful. Especially, with so much interdependence. We each had different chores. There was one legitimate leader who we all listened to. He was smart, experienced and kept everyone else in check. I hate feeling subordinate to others. especially men. It lowered my confidence, my sex drive. I had less room to be independent and successful, because I' relied on others and others relied on me. I'm used to being the Alpha male. my own Alpha male. And getting my way.
During the trip I had little access to technology. Cell service was unreliable and I forgot to bring my recharger. It makes me realize how reliant I, and really most (especially young) Americans have become on technology. I wanted to check my facebook, send text messages and check my e-mails. no luck. My social life is so technologically based it's scary. I've spent more time getting to know some of my friends using the internet, then by being with them in person. It feels kinda superficial. I now feel guilty about wanting alone time during the trip. Since the kind of socialization I had is becoming increasingly uncommon as we progress further into the ultra-technologically advanced 21st century.
In spite of this discomfort, it was an excellent bonding experience...getting to know other people really well by being around the constantly for 4 days. I haven't had that in along time. I realize that this kind of intensive socialization/travelling experience, is only minor, to the one I might be going on this May...to Israel and Jordan. for 10, possibly more days.

About me

I figure most of the people reading this blog probably already know me.
But here is my life story anyways, for those who don't keep up
I was Born and raised in San Francisco in a secular leftist household by a neurotic and controlling jewish mother and a quiet, scholarly Irish-born father. I attended a middle school where i was terribly unhappy and lonely, but I got exeptional grades and left feeling prepared. Following this, I went to an Art high school, along with the only friend I made in middle school. (who remains one of my best friends to this day). My high school years were an improvement from my middle school experience, but far from perfect. Within a year or two of being there, most of my class had fed into the sketchy druggy culture of the school. I remained innocent and wholesome.
My Junior year was a huge changing point. I came out of the closet. This was a result of seeing therapy for my stress/anxiety problems. I became more reflective and introspective about my feelings. My wants and needs. With time, I became happier, stronger and much more in touch with my emotions. I made friends, particuarly among the young lgbt people in the castro. When Senior year rolled around, I had the intention of being more outgoing and open about myself. This proved difficult as I was already a shy person. I had an immensly difficult time trying to change my persona, to the one I wanted. I struggled that year through Advanced Algebra as well, which i dropped out of junior year, because i was so stressed. Beyond that I recieved all A's. The college application process was dissaitisfying. I didn't get into 3, ended up not liking 3 and received inconveniently late acceptance letters from 2 which included no housing. I decided to not risk the money and unhappiness to instead spend a year or two at a Junior College in Sonoma County.
Living away from home has been wonderful for me. I've become really involved with student life and have recieved good grades. At the same time, i also realize that the JC is only a temporary situation. I want and need more. A strong, stable social life, distance from my family and a University atmosphere full of friendly, intelligent and unique individuals. My love life has been a constant issue... Around the time I moved out of the house, I opened up to a friend about my feelings about him. In the time I'd known him, I knew he liked me. I heard this through mutual friends/aquaintences. I guess I was waiting to hear it directly from him. But then I also realized, that at the time, I really wasn't ready for a relationship.
In October I met someone else. We talked for hours...about everything. We even made out and he told me he really liked me. Since then everything went down hill. He repetetively rejected my invites to "hang out". I cried several times over this. At this point, I've given up on him, and now am looking for new possibilities.

Spring Break

I had my first concert Friday night. I played Contra Bass Clarinet, which is basically a metal bass on steroids. It was the most positive concert expereince I've had in years. I like my conductor, the people and i like that i'm the only one with my instrument. My brother showed up, along with his sketchy whitetrashy roomates. They're nice though. I stayed up kinda late on the computer to things..yeah. things lol. Saturday was funny. I went to a friends birthday party, at this Himalyan restaraunt on lombard street. It started out boring, and friend was rather upset. The guests included her school friends, co-workers, ex-boyfriends, two semi-attractive gay guys and some adults affiliated with her in various ways. As more and more people came, things got better. The restaraunt hired a female belly dancer to do her thing on the stage. Soon, everyone was up there dancing and having a good time, making a fool out of themselves in the process. I engaged myself in conversation wth one of the gay guys. He seemed nice. I later found ou that he smokes. to bad
Sunday and monday were unproductive. I wondered aimlessly through the castro and got no work done.